Meringue Brain

That's what I've got... self diagnosed.

I don't suspect many (if anyone) will read this other than me.  Hell, I don't even know if it's going to have any real continuity to it either.  My brain is not of much substance lately... hence the meringue analogy.

Try as I might to focus on the good things in my life, I'm left with images shrouded in fog.  I understand and believe (to a point) the power of positive thinking, but if my thinking output were a number line -10 to 0 to 10... I'm kinda sitting in the -1 to 1 range.  I'm trying like hell to not let myself slip any further down the negative side of the number line, but I find it much easier to go there than to the positive side... and it's killing me inside.  I mean I realize that it's better to focus my energy on thinking good things rather than bad ones, but it seems grossly unfair that it's so much easier to go to the dark side... to slip to the -10 end of the number line.

I don't even know if blogging is therapeutic anymore.  I suppose/suspect at some level it is, but I don't feel any real sense of relief.  I guess I just need to skim off some the meringue from the top to keep a little space in there to help me to think.  

The news we received about Emmah was NOT what we wanted and something I was hoping to not have to experience again.  But here we are nonetheless.  Not that this is easy at any level, but compounding things is the fact that I/we have five other kids that depend and need us.  So it's a stiff upper lip and try to keep things business as usual.  To be honest, it's agonizing!  Almost Jekyll and Hyde-ish trying to keep one from showing over the other.  

I know what is said... that God never gives us more than we can handle.  I'm seriously questioning his judgement right about now.  If he's looking for a breaking point, he need look no further... I have arrived!

I can see why people start drinking... 

Heavily